Tonight

Peppermint Tea

Photo editing

Figuring out Life

Choose to be Happy

Shamefully I write at 12:58am.  I know I should be in bed.  I will regret this late night when 7:15am rolls around with my little sister shouting in my ear, “WAKE UP JANA!”  The word SHOUT cannot even describe how loud that exclamation will be in six hours.  I decided that my bed was calling my name at about 10:30pm.  I ran upstairs, put on my favorite sweat pants and readied myself for sleep.  Then, I had the brilliant idea to check my email.  Which then led to me writing a few emails.  Which then led to checking out a few photography blogs, which then led to MORE photography blogs, and voila! Here I am:  2.5 hours later, my mind buzzing with thoughts and inspirations and ideas and planning.  Oh.  I exhaust myself with just thinking!  So, to calm my running thoughts, here I am writing them all down.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get some sleep after this…

I wrote about goals in my last note.  I have been thinking a lot about goals and a lot about accomplishing them.  These thoughts were all inspired by a recent letter I received from my dear sister, Abs.  Let me jot down a few lines from that beloved letter:

Jan, are you happy??  I want you to be happy.  I would do anything to make you happy.  The Lord knows what he’s doing with you.  He wants you to be happy, too.  That’s all He wants for you.  I just want you to remember—AND DON’T roll your eyes or discount this just because I’m your sister—YOU’VE GOT THE FULL PACKAGE…you’ve got it all.  I hope you’re finding ways—never mind, I know you are—but finding ways to stay happy, REALLY happy.  When I’m feeling down about myself, I make goals.  Lots of good, healthy goals!  Now’s the time to do it!

Now besides realizing I have been blessed with the most amazing, beautiful sister when reading these words, I also realized that she’s right!  Goals are a wonderful way to stay happy and feel good about myself.  And that’s why I write them and do all that I can to accomplish them.  I never consider a goal failed or unfulfilled.  If I didn’t accomplish it the first time around, I try again.  I just simply haven’t finished it…yet…but I will!  And that mind set keeps me from being down on myself. 

Are you finding ways to stay happy?

Why is it so easy to be down on yourself?  My mother and I were having a discussion recently about blogs, Pinterest, facebook, twitter, and more blogs.  There is so much information out there and so many people are accomplishing amazing things!  Everyone seems so talented these days!  My mother told me that when she was my age, people were not even THINKING to create things that my generation creates.  It really is amazing, but I am afraid it can be another way to feel down on oneself.     Look at ALL these amazing people photographing and sewing and cooking and decorating.  OH MY GOODNESS.   And then the thoughts start to creep in…I’m not good enough.  I don’t have the right equipment.  I don’t have the money I need to start a project like that.  I wish I were that original.  I’m guilty, and chances are, you are, too. 

Instead of wasting my time looking at website after website (which I have very clearly been guilty of tonight) and PLANNING to be as amazing at So and So, I need to stop worrying about being better than them, and just get out and do.  Just DO.  Be confident, and be happy.  Live my life, and not try and live another’s or compare myself to them.  I have worked the last 25 years to not compare myself to others, and goodness, it is not easy.  I’m still young and I do not want to spend the next 60 years comparing my skills and looks and abilities to those of others.

Do you have any secret tips on how to be confident?  I would love to be let in on your little secret.

My secret is to choose to be happy with what I have. 

I learned this from my mother.  When I was nine years old, I was teased a lot for my looks.  I remember being constantly teased about how big my lips and teeth were.  Truly, my mouth was too big for my face.  (Thankfully, not many pictures exist of me in this state).  One girl in particular teased me on a daily basis.  I remember coming home crying to my mom because girls told me my lips were fat.  My mother pulled out a picture book that I had and opened to a painting of a grown woman with beautiful black eyes, the perfect little nose, and huge, voluptuous lips.  I remember thinking she was stunning.  My mother then said, “Grown women pay a lot of money to have their lips as big as yours.  You’ll have beautiful lips when you’re older.”  I chose then and there to be happy about my lips.  I was still teased, but eventually, my face grew into my lips, my teeth were straightened out (read more about my adventure here) and now I laugh when I think how silly it was that girls used to tease me for having full lips.  Women really do pay to have lips like mine! But the object of this story is that you may not always be able to change how you look or be better than someone else at a particular sport or hobby, but you can choose to be happy with what you have to offer.  And I have learned that what I have to offer is often much more than I realize.  (That goes for you, too!)

So, world of stellar blogs and über accomplishments, I am not afraid of you.  I will not let you get me down.  I will be happy for other people’s accomplishments and I will be happy for my own. 

Get off the computer already and go out and do something that makes you happy!

Or go to bed.  Which is what I am about to do.

March Madness (this has absolutely nothing to do with basketball)

March is here.  I never thought it would come this quickly.  In December, a new transition of my life began.  I graduated, I moved to New York with my family, and the job hunt began—holy goodness, no one prepared me for this!  Job-hunting is NOT fun.  I am positive anyone could have told me that, but it apparently wasn’t obvious to me until it was upon me.  When I graduated, I told myself two things:

-Get a job by the first week in February.

-Move out of my parent’s house by April.

Those, of course, were worthy goals.  I need an income, and I can’t burden my parents for much longer.  Unfortunately, I did not consider all factors that would go into pursuing my goals. 

So, now March is here, and I am still jobless and no closer to my goal of independence than I was three months ago.  Gah.  This is hard.  It didn’t help that I moved blindly to a new city, actually, a new state AND a new side of the country, where I have zero connections and friends.  Usually, I enjoy the challenge, but I think this time around, I bit off more than I can chew.  I submitted my first job application the day after New Year’s.  And then another, and another, and…another.  Ideally, I have been looking for a job in photography.  I want more experience working with other professional photographers.  There is still so much to learn despite having a degree in photography.  I contacted magazines, newspapers, and studios.  Nothing.  They all had lovely excuses like, “We don’t need more photographers,” “Budget cuts,” “You don’t have enough experience.”  (Well, duh, that’s why I’m looking for a job.)  I finally found work as a studio manager for a commercial chain studio.  Oh goodness.  I had the job for seven hours and then quit.  It was not at all what I thought.  And plus, a stabbing had just occurred outside the front door in recent months and was being patrolled by police officers.  I certainly didn’t want to be walking out alone in that parking lot at night.  Silly excuse, maybe, but good enough for me.  (You can read more about why I quit that job HERE.)

So, back to hunt I went.  I have become so desperate for a job, that I have broadened my job search to almost anything.  I finally found a job nearby working at the local ski slope.  Hah. I waited another two weeks for a background check (it’s on the military base) and then I was finally in the system.  I called my supervisor to find out my schedule and he told me they were closing the ski slope due to WARM WEATHER.  Just my luck.  Actually, though, the supervisor felt bad enough about the situation that he found me another job on base at the golf course.  So, now I have to wait another three weeks before that job begins.  I am still looking for something better….hopefully.  FINGERS CROSSED…five hundred times. 

In the meantime, though, I have been incredibly blessed with other opportunities.  I have been working on an album cover for a local jazz quartet.  That has been a lot of fun listening to their music, watching the band perform, and drawing inspiration for an album cover.  Here is an example of what I’ve been working on.  It’s not finished, but it’s getting there:

Then, I finally had the bright idea to contact the arts and crafts center on West Point.  I do not know why I didn’t call them earlier.  I asked if I could help volunteer teach their art classes.  Turns out, they’ve been looking for someone to help out.  Perfect!  So, now I’m teaching a photography class, and if it goes well, we’ll hold more, and I’ll get paid!  (I’m holding my breath on this one!  This would be so fun teaching to the community on a regular basis).  Here’s what we’ll be doing this month:

I’ve been able to get some freelance photography work in and I have a goal to take at least one picture a day.  I’ve been setting goals for myself that I haven’t had time for in years and what a blessing that is for me!  I have time to spend with my mother and sister, as well, which, believe it or not, is the cherry-on-top for me :)

Even though things aren’t going according to plan, I still have a lot to be thankful for.  I have a warm, feathery bed, lots of yummy food, a family that loves me, a beautiful home in a beautiful location, new friends, and time to develop new talents.  Really, I have a lot to be happy about.  Don’t you think?

This Month’s Goals:

            Make a quilt—I’m working on this one with my mom.  SO MUCH FUN!

      Try a new recipe every week—I have found some seriously good cupcake recipes at ourbestbites.com

      Take a photograph everyday—This one thrills my heart!

      Get a job—working on it

      Volunteer in the community—check!

      Wash the dishes everyday—this one can be hard sometimes…sorry, Mom!

      Make my bed everyday—you’d think a 25 year old would have this one down..ha…not me

            Read a good book—I gotta keep up my literary skills, you know?  Any suggestions? 

            Find reasons to be happy everyday! 

Write Here

I am a pro journalist.  I’m not talking published works that change the world.  I’m talking volumes of diaries.  There is a box buried in the attic stuffed with at least 20 journals and loose-leaf paper all scribbled over with my dreams, routines, and childish rants.  That does not include the pile of leather bound journals stacked next to my bed, nor my moleskins tucked away in purses and bags.  And don’t get me started on how many sketch journals I have.  I could never bear to get rid of the papered mess that I have, although I’m sure half of it may be quite worthless.  When the pencil becomes gripped between my fingers and touches to paper, history is made.  It is not your history, nor anyone’s but mine.  My writings and drawings are important to me.  More than important, actually, they are invaluable.  I not only crave to record my every moment, but I feel that it is my duty.  When I do not put pencil to paper, I feel as if I have left a memory to disappear and fade into the back of my mind.  Maybe someday it will be recalled, but more often than not, it shrivels to dust and is completely forgotten. 

I ache when I cannot relive a moment perfectly.  If I leave an experience to shelve away in my mind, details are forgotten, circumstances are altered, the true memory is compromised and my own past changes.  Good or bad, my experiences must be tangible.  I must be able to grip them within my own hands and see them with my own eyes. 

For the last two years, my journal has laid quietly next to my bed.  Every two months or so I pick it up and scribble, “Not much has changed.  I’ll write again when I have something more exciting to report.”  Now, how ridiculous can I be?  My true reasons for not writing are incredibly selfish:  I’m tired, I’m bored, I’m angry, I’m just not in the mood.  Truly, there is no excuse for not writing, and truly life is not so bad that I have nothing to write about.  I must record my experiences, my passions, my dislikes, my loves, and my dreams.  I cannot go on allowing my experiences to fade to abbreviated memories and be recorded incorrectly when I am “in the mood.”  I must pick up the pace and not leave out a single detail.

An experiment is about to begin.  Maybe what I need is a change.  I need a fresh look, a new feel, something updated and exciting.  So, here I am recording my stories and memories with my keyboard.  It’s not a pencil, but I’d like to think of it so.  I have much to share and offer with my rambling words on a page.  I have thoughts and experiences worth sharing.  This experiment is very much for myself, but if you find yourself here as well, I will gladly sit back and love to learn of your thoughts and experiences as well.  Life must be recorded, and what better way than through words on a page?